How I Found My Courage

Image by Silvia Rita from Pixabay

I remember my grandma saying, “Biliana, one day, you too will be studying here. This university is where the future of our country is being created.”

Then, at the age of 18, I cheated on the university entry exam. They caught me and disqualified me from competing for one academic year.

I was in shock. I had no idea what to do next nor how to go home. What should I tell my mom or anybody else who asked?

I felt sick to my stomach. An uncontrollable influx of shame and anger turned my skin scarlet red. I felt suffocated by my own breathe.

To give myself some time to think, I locked myself in the university toilet. What were my options? Will I continue lying and invent a believable story? Or, will I tell the truth?

Then a question popped in my head, " Hey, Biliana, when have you managed to keep a secret?” The answer was Never! Even at the age of 18, my lying-memory was ridiculously short.

This insight brought about another question: “Biliana, what do you choose: a short & fierce hellfire or long-term, unpredictable outbursts of agony?”

The clarity of my choices caught me by surprise. It awoke something bigger. Even though I was still feeling the burning shame and the outrageous anger, I felt composed and quiet.

At that moment, I knew what I was going to do. I was going, to tell the truth. Word by word, as the events had unfolded. No twists, no turns, no omitting.

I unlocked the toilet door. I sprinkled my face with cold water and went home.

As I was telling the story, and my mom was listening, I felt that I was growing in my own shoes. I felt secure, whole but most of all proud. Proud that I’ve found the courage to own my actions, to disclose them and to make a choice from a place of strength rather than a place of weakness.

Since then, I have been thinking why has this moment been such a defining moment for me?

Thirty-two years later, I discovered the answer. Today, I am daring to share it with you.

A failure, a flip or a slip is a double-edged sword. It can break us and it can make us. The choice is ours. As long as we stop and make a conscious choice to act from a place of courage.

Courage?

Yes, courage!

Go for the choice that requires bravery. Stretches you. And, offers you the opportunity to step into bigger shoes. Go for the choice that scares you. And, opens up the possibility to become a better version of yourself. Go for the choice that makes you feel big and proud.

This is courage for me!

To feel your courage make the scary choice! Especially, when the defining moment strikes.

Some people call such moments failures. So be it! But what matters is not how they call them. What matters is what you choose to do when you are in these moments.

For me, a truly defining moment is the moment after the sand tower has collapsed. Did you too, make a choice that surprised you, and then put you on a path of self-respect, self-love, and confidence?